I....really, really like this :] It's amazing and beautiful just like you and it's so wonderful and I think that this works being disorganizaed <3 The emotion really shows through

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<sub>I'm open-minded, I accept the pairings even if I don't support them. Who's with me :3?

Meh Edo

I support Lexfuu, how bout you?! :></sub>

Hey, rhyme is not the most important aspect of poetry (though I could speak on it extensively). It's the extended metaphor: the thing that allows you to take something seemingly mundane and associate it with an idea, like an emotion. It feels a little inconsistent in this case. But it still gets the point across, so it's still pretty good.

And I see that you had a little of a double entendre going on there. "The Fall" takes on two meanings: one at the beginning and one close to the end.

My only concern to point out is in line 3 where it says "little sky". I don't know for sure, but it doesn't seem to fit. See how it sounds without little before sky. "Staring at the sky" is a nice bit of alliteration.

Aside from that it's pretty good. It may need a little tightening up here and there, but that's for you to decide.

--
I can't be everything to everyone. To thy own self be true.
-Thea Vidale

Dare to be the Dreamer

One day: ^E-Shark47

Thank you for the critique, it was extremely helpful, and I agree with you on the "little sky" portion, and I will go about changing it.

I know it's inconsistent, but then again, so am I, so it works out.

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I like Dr. Pepper and Yurbys <3

Hey, no problem, always glad to help. As long as it works out, that's good.

--
I can't be everything to everyone. To thy own self be true.
-Thea Vidale

Dare to be the Dreamer

One day: ^E-Shark47

<sub>I'm from #theWrittenRevolution Since I'm not a subscriber, I cannot offer a proper critique, so I have to do it in writing (instead of the cool little thingie!).

I have to start by saying this poem confused me. I didn't understand it at all, now to answer the questions you asked.

Does the choppiness work for the poem?
I don't really think it does, but I think that it's just because I didn't really understand it.

What would you change?
I like it when poems are a little bit more descriptive than this.

Do the emotions behind the words tell a story?
To be honest, I didn't really feel anything from this. Other than feeling like a huge jerk for being so brutally honest D:.

Does the expletive detract from the poem?
No, the last part made me smile. It was very interesting.

All in all, I give it a 2.8/5 stars.

I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk D:. I'm really not. I'm just harsh with writing.</sub>

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"SHUT UP AND SMILE!!"
Rest in peace, Alex. I love you for now and for forever.
#spread--the--love #Ourloveflies #ink-slingers

You aren't a jerk, the poem was kind of personal, I didn't mean for it to be confusing though. I appreciate critique though. I'm not going to get mad.

I basically wrote RIGHT after my mom lost her job, and I was frustrated. That's the story. I admit it doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

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I like Dr. Pepper and Yurbys <3

no worries! i think the off rhyme scheme gives the poem some flare!

sometimes its better to write without much structure, the piece seems more honest that way

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If all other feelings fail me, I still have pain to know that I'm alive.

Thank you

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If you have a manself join:
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I like Dr. Pepper and Yurbys <3

you are most welcome

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If all other feelings fail me, I still have pain to know that I'm alive.